Ever since I was four years old I’ve felt wrong inside this male body. I have struggled with it my whole life. I’m sad and a little ashamed to say I tried to end it all at nineteen. Since then I have tried every day to push gender dysphoria to one side and get on with it.

That doesn’t always work well. So I started this blog as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. I hope it doesn’t come accoss as  just whining but it does really helps me. And if any of it connects with even one other person I am happy.

Posting to the internet makes me feel I have a voice, even though my audience is tiny and often times just me, that’s OK.

I do value your opinion though, positive and negative. I actually mostly get negative stuff and hate but I occasionaly also get really wonderful positve feedback as well. That really helps. I guess that just means  it’s easier to knock down than to build.

I am in awe of every person who has found the courage to  transition. You will always have my love and support for your journey.

I feel a strong bond with all of my transgender sisters and brothers formed from our common experiences and challenges. I will always be your supporter and your advocate.

With love and hope.

Blog Posts

You don't have to hate me

You don’t have to hate me. Because I am not trying to stand on any ground you claim as yours. You don’t have to hate me because I have always been taught to hate myself. I can take it from here. Ever since I was four I felt I was somehow wrong and when I

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Aiming for happiness

I’ve often wondered if happiness is something you can just have or experience for long periods of time. My experience suggests no. For me happiness is a transient state. I don’t think I can ever find happiness and then keep it forever. Being Happy I seem to live my life in a state of flux.

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Invalidating stories of de-transition

I’ve read a number of articles about de-transition recently. My heart goes out to every person who has gone through this experience. It must have been an especially shattering and difficult experience. Your voice is important and I value it and respect it enormously. Every transgender experience is different, difficult and uncertain. None of us

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Taking the easy way out

Suicide is never the answer to any problem we face. Impossibile problems and fears might fill our mind right now. They can drive us to the depths of despair, today, but that won’t always be the case. Problems don’t age well and they usually fade with time. How you feel right now isn’t how you

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Not asking much

Transphobic and TERFS only seek to exclude. Their motives are based purely on hate, bigotry and prejudice.

To live a life free of bigots

I don’t choose to feel the way I do, to be the person I am. My gender dysphoria has always been there. This conflict, this pain, this sorrow has always been with me and remains with me every day from my first waking moments to my last thoughts at night. I wish I could overcome,

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I’m not exceptional

I’ve always been pretty average. Average intelligence, average academically, at sports. Same goes for drawing, painting, singing, dancing. The list goes on. So why am I telling you this? It’s because I have always hated myself for not having the courage to transition. I talk the talk (in my head mostly) but … you can

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An inspirational woman

I had a meeting yesterday with a wonderful person. After interacting with her via email for a while, when she was visiting from the US she wanted to meet face to face. As I met her in reception I realised she was transgender. She was confident, gregarious, happy and outgoing. She is also very successful.

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And so it is

I’ve not posted in a while because to be honest I have been feeling much more able to cope and feel less need to vent. When I get these brief periods of respite it makes me feel like I can make it. Maybe I can get to the end of my life without anyone close

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5 things I would say

There are five things I would like to say to myself at eighteen years old. Don’t feel ashamed of who you are You are not crazy, worthless, deviant, insignificant or hopeless No matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, there is nothing that will ever make you a man You can’t hide

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A basic sense of self

I have come this far. I think I have worked through a lot of self hatred and denial. I can accept who I am. I think I even understand some of it. Talking to some of the wonderful, beautiful people who have contacted me has helped me to realise that it’s possible for there to

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The right version of me

My gender identity starts with me. I am reminded of it anew every day as I wake in the morning. It’s an intimate personal relationship with myself. It’s a difficult relationship, one I have never come to terms with. The person I see in the mirror and the physical body I inhabit are never easy

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Birth Gender

I’ve never accepted my birth gender. From my first memories at four years old to right now. Early on my requests to dress as a girl and play with girl’s toys were angrily rejected by my parents leaving me bewildered. I stopped believing in a benevolent god when I was very young because my desperate

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Giving up on Therapy

At times I feel like giving up on therapy. I feel like I am sometimes just talking in circles. “Yep, still dysphoric, nothing I can do about it”. In our last session my therapist asked me what it was I really wanted deep down. The truth is the same as it was when I first

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Going nowhere

I don’t know how I can make things better. I don’t know how I can move forward. I really want to. I know I don’t want to die. My family need me and I love them. I can’t bear living as a man any longer I’m so tired and sick of having to do it every

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Transgender children

When I was four I knew how I felt. I still felt the same way at eight and nine. At thirteen my feelings hadn’t changed but I was beginning to feel the pressure as puberty meant time was running out for me. By sixteen I was distraught and stopped dressing because I hated my appearance

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Beautiful green rolling hills and countryside

Best friends with Jenny

When I was nine years old I spent one idyllic summer in North Wales with my Mum’s friend and her son James. He was an only child and they owned a cottage in the countryside (a lot of the time we were actually looked after by his Nanny) During our six week vacation we became friends

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Collection of female mannequins wearing different dresses

I never wear female clothes

The thing that causes me to doubt if I am really transgender more than anything else is I don’t wear female clothes. In fact I haven’t done that for many years. When I was younger I used to wear female clothes a lot. I used to really enjoy it. I was lucky at the time

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paper chain of paper dolls

I would have been Elizabeth

If  things had turned out differently I would have been born as a girl called Elizabeth (or Beth for short). That’s what my Mum would have called me. I mourn the loss of that childhood. I feel sad that I couldn’t grow up without the stifling weight of dysphoria upon me. I feel sad about

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Half obscurred girl's face

I don’t want to be transgender 

I’m really sorry if this offends anyone but I don’t want to be transgender. Maybe me saying that means I’m not? I don’t have the courage or the steely determination that I can see the brave transgender men and women exhibit in countless YouTube videos and blogs. That probably means I don’t want it enough.

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Girl on deserted corridor

When I was 19

Talking to my therapist about my gender issues has made me relive many moments from my life I have pushed aside. Some of them are so sad that tears run down my cheeks when I recall them. The pain of it is sometimes unbearable. There was a short space of time though, maybe just a

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Girl sat on bench starring at floor

How does it feel

As I walked away from my first therapy session I felt very strange. It was liberating to tell someone out loud who I really am and how it feels every day to pretend to be someone else. My whole life I have had to present this “expected person” to the world. He’s my greatest creation.

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Jewelry Wedding Bride Wedding Dress Country

The Suit

There are two moments in my life I will always remember. When I was four I knew I felt like and wanted to be a girl. I also knew that for some reason this made my parents angry. But it wan’t until I was eight that I realised I had a big problem. The Wedding

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Dandelion sheds its seeds

Starting Therapy

Well I started therapy. My therapist is really nice. She describes herself as gender fluid. That made me feel more comfortable to begin with. When I was searching for therapists so many of them seemed so unlike me. I wondered how they could begin to understand me. My therapist, let’s call her Jen, as I

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