Since I was four years old I’ve felt wrong inside this male body. I have struggled with this my whole life. I’m ashamed to say I tried to end it all at nineteen. Since then I have tried to push gender dysphoria aside and just get on with it.
That’s not working very well anymore. So I started a talking therapy and thought a blog might also help.
My mind is so conflicted. I apologise in advance if some of what I post is contradictory or makes no sense.
I am in awe of every person who has found the courage to transition. You will always have my love and support for your journey.
I feel a strong bond with all of my transgender sisters, brothers, siblings formed from our common experiences and challenges. I will always be your supporter and your advocate.
With love and hope.
I don’t know what has happened to my dysphoria over the past three months. It seems to have just disappeared without a trace. Never in my life before have I felt so free from the awful anxiety and pain it causes. It must have something to do with lockdown but I can’t even begin to … Continue reading Where has my dysphoria gone? →
I’ve often wondered if happiness is something you can just have or experience for long periods of time. My experience suggests no. For me happiness is a transient state. I don’t think I can ever find happiness and then keep it forever. Being Happy I seem to live my life in a state of flux. … Continue reading Aiming for happiness →
A friend online recently suggested I should write a “coming out” letter to my wife even if I had no intention of sending it to her. They thought it would help.
Over the last six months I’ve actually made some progress. I’ve been taking Finasteride 5mg on medical advice. (As I am sure you know, Finasteride blocks the conversion of testosterone to dihydrotestosterone and is sometimes used as a weak anti androgen in trans patients) It’s to treat a prostate issue but it has also had … Continue reading Colateral Progress →
I didn’t tell her about me right at the beginning of our relationship. That was the lie, the betrayal. I am responsible for that and I don’t claim innocence. I just wanted a normal life. I though
I’ve read a number of articles about de-transition recently. My heart goes out to every person who has gone through this experience. It must have been an especially shattering and difficult experience. Your voice is important and I value it and respect it enormously. Every transgender experience is different, difficult and uncertain. None of us … Continue reading Invalidating stories of de-transition →
My six months of therapy led me to suspect that my Mum knew I was trans whilst I was growing up. She used to let me grow my hair longer than most boys. She styled it in, what I can now see in old photos were feminine styles. Growing up I was forever being mistaken … Continue reading I wish she could have helped me →
I was chatting with a friend online recently. She was telling me about the moment she looked in the mirror and accepted herself as a woman for the first time. She had been dressing for a long time but this was the moment she looked in the mirror in that casual way we all do … Continue reading I saw her standing there →
Suicide is never the answer to any problem we face. Impossibile problems and fears might fill our mind right now. They can drive us to the depths of despair, today, but that won’t always be the case. Problems don’t age well and they usually fade with time. How you feel right now isn’t how you … Continue reading Taking the easy way →
Transphobic and TERFS only seek to exclude. Their motives are based purely on hate, bigotry and prejudice.
I don’t choose to feel the way I do, to be the person I am. My gender dysphoria has always been there. This conflict, this pain, this sorrow has always been with me and remains with me every day from my first waking moments to my last thoughts at night. I wish I could overcome, … Continue reading To live a life free of bigots →
My heroes aren’t sports stars or actors, I respect, admire and am grateful to our military. But my lifelong heroes are and will always simply be all of you. Over the years it is transgender men and women like you who have given me hope. Your stories of transition, your determination to overcome problems, your … Continue reading My true heroes →
I’ve always been pretty average. Average intelligence, average academically, at sports. Same goes for drawing, painting, singing, dancing. The list goes on. So why am I telling you this? It’s because I have always hated myself for not having the courage to transition. I talk the talk (in my head mostly) but … you can … Continue reading I’m not exceptional →
I had a meeting yesterday with a wonderful person. After interacting with her via email for a while, when she was visiting from the US she wanted to meet face to face. As I met her in reception I realised she was transgender. She was confident, gregarious, happy and outgoing. She is also very successful. … Continue reading An inspirational woman →
I’ve not posted in a while because to be honest I have been feeling much more able to cope and feel less need to vent. When I get these brief periods of respite it makes me feel like I can make it. Maybe I can get to the end of my life without anyone close … Continue reading And so it is →
There are five things I would like to say to myself at eighteen years old. Don’t feel ashamed of who you are You are not crazy, worthless, deviant, insignificant or hopeless No matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, there is nothing that will ever make you a man You can’t hide … Continue reading 5 things I would say →
I have come this far. I think I have worked through a lot of self hatred and denial. I can accept who I am. I think I even understand some of it. Talking to some of the wonderful, beautiful people who have contacted me has helped me to realise that it’s possible for there to … Continue reading A basic sense of self →
My gender identity starts with me. I am reminded of it anew every day as I wake in the morning. It’s an intimate personal relationship with myself. It’s a difficult relationship, one I have never come to terms with. The person I see in the mirror and the physical body I inhabit are never easy … Continue reading The right version of me →
My name is Beth and I am a transgender woman
I’ve never accepted my birth gender. From my first memories at four years old to right now. Early on my requests to dress as a girl and play with girl’s toys were angrily rejected by my parents leaving me bewildered. I stopped believing in a benevolent god when I was very young because my desperate … Continue reading Birth Gender →
At times I feel like giving up on therapy. I feel like I am sometimes just talking in circles. “Yep, still dysphoric, nothing I can do about it”. In our last session my therapist asked me what it was I really wanted deep down. The truth is the same as it was when I first … Continue reading Giving up on Therapy →
When I was four I knew how I felt. I still felt the same way at eight and nine. At thirteen my feelings hadn’t changed but I was beginning to feel the pressure as puberty meant time was running out for me. By sixteen I was distraught and stopped dressing because I hated my appearance … Continue reading Transgender children →
When I was nine years old I spent one idyllic summer in North Wales with my Mum’s friend and her son James. He was an only child and they owned a cottage in the countryside (a lot of the time we were actually looked after by his Nanny) During our six week vacation we became friends … Continue reading Best friends with Jenny →
The thing that causes me to doubt if I am really transgender more than anything else is I don’t wear female clothes. In fact I haven’t done that for many years. When I was younger I used to wear female clothes a lot. I used to really enjoy it. I was lucky at the time … Continue reading I never wear female clothes →
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