If things had turned out differently I would have been born as a girl called Elizabeth (or Beth for short). That’s what my Mum would have called me.
I mourn the loss of that childhood. I feel sad that I couldn’t grow up without the stifling weight of dysphoria upon me.
I feel sad about the friends I would have made and experiences we would have shared.
I wonder how it might have been to fall in love with a man, to marry him and bear his children.
How I wish I could have been somebody’s Mother, to carry them, give birth to them, raise them and love them like only a Mother can.
I ache for that life that never was. All part of the pain and suffering you get for free with gender dysphoria.
Whether you view it as delusional, mental illness or accident of birth the pain and regret you feel in your mind and in your heart is real.
It stops you ever feeling good about yourself, your achievements or anything really. A life in limbo.
For most of my life I have tried to put these feelings to one side, work hard and be who I am supposed to be. I have always tried to be a good person and treat others as I would want to be treated.
I hoped to get to the end of my life without having to deal with my issues further. But for reasons I can’t really explain over the last 6 months the dysphoria has become increasingly unbearable. I’m not sure how best to deal with it.
That’s why I decided to talk things through with a therapist and write this blog.