The thing that causes me to doubt if I am really transgender more than anything else is I don’t wear female clothes. In fact I haven’t done that for many years.
When I was younger I used to wear female clothes a lot. I used to really enjoy it. I was lucky at the time because I was quite an effeminate looking boy and I made quite a passable girl.
It was only as I got older and bigger that things began to change. Puberty and growth made me look less and less passable. Eventually I hated the sight of myself dressed. It was no longer a positive, happy experience.
I suppose it was symbolic of my losing battle with testosterone. I knew my time was running out and the window was closing.
When it closed that was it for me. My goal was always to look as feminine as possible. I am sure if I wore female clothes now I would look awful. I don’t need that on top of everything else.
So there it is. Not sure what it means. If it means I’m not really a transgender person then that’s fine. My journey is to work through and resolve the issues I am having rather than find a label.
If I am really being honest I just want to get through this life with my “secret” kept just between us. My family can live in blissful ignorance. They are beautiful, loving, wonderful, kind people and deserve to be free of the burden.