The thing that causes me to doubt if I am really transgender more than anything else is I don’t wear female clothes. In fact I haven’t done that for many years.

When I was younger I used to wear female clothes a lot. I used to really enjoy it. I was lucky at the time because I was quite an effeminate looking boy and I made quite a passable girl.

It was only as I got older and bigger that things began to change. Puberty and growth made me look less and less passable. Eventually I hated the sight of myself dressed. It was no longer a positive, happy experience.

I suppose it was symbolic of my losing battle with testosterone. I knew my time was running out and the window was closing.

When it closed that was it for me. My goal was always to look as feminine as possible. I am sure if I wore female clothes now I would look awful. I don’t need that on top of everything else.

So there it is. Not sure what it means. If it means I’m not really a transgender person then that’s fine. My journey is to work through and resolve the issues I am having rather than find a label.

If I am really being honest I just want to get through this life with my “secret” kept just between us. My family can live in blissful ignorance. They are beautiful, loving, wonderful, kind people and deserve to be free of the burden.

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Written by Beth

Behind a calm and friendly exterior I try every day to deal with a gender dysphoria I have had since I was four years old. I have never really known how to deal with it so kept it to myself for a long time. Recently I have been seeing a gender therapist who has helped a lot. This blog helps me express myself to the world. I realise very few will read it but I hope if you do it has some value and interest to you. Always happy to talk, help and make new friends. If there are any topics you want me to write about please let me know.

2 comments

  1. Wow. I feel the same way. I feel like it’s too late. But I’ve watched so many videos, and heard support groups, us older folks (I’m in my 40’s) just need more attention to detail, but it is possible to pass!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Beth,

    Your post sounds sensible. Now in my 50’s and been conscious of my definite female side. But a a moderate person not given to extravagance, expressing my feminine side has always been a how? Cross dressing never did it for me, and seemed ridiculous.

    Besides given the chaos of my family it would only increase the nonsense.

    Liked by 1 person

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