I don’t know how I can make things better. I don’t know how I can move forward. I really want to.

I know I don’t want to die. My family need me and I love them.

I can’t bear living as a man any longer I’m so tired and sick of having to do it every day. The anxiety and stress I am feeling overwhelms me at times. I long for a day when I don’t have to pretend anymore, when I can just be myself.

But how can I impose my transition on my family. I love them so much.

I love my wife and I want us to stay together. We truly are best friends, soul mates. We have been together 17 years and she still sends me “I luv u” texts almost every day”.

I want her to know me, the real me and that’s what would change, the person she thought I was. I feel no strong desire to present as female at the moment which I hope would take the pressure of a little.

But I know in my heart that transition is the only way forward for me. I have always known that even though I have often rejected it and run away from it.

Written by Beth

Behind a calm and friendly exterior I try every day to deal with a gender dysphoria I have had since I was four years old. I have never really known how to deal with it so kept it to myself for a long time. Recently I have been seeing a gender therapist who has helped a lot. This blog helps me express myself to the world. I realise very few will read it but I hope if you do it has some value and interest to you. Always happy to talk, help and make new friends. If there are any topics you want me to write about please let me know.

3 comments

  1. Hi Anna
    No, she doesn’t know. I want to tell her but I am so worried it would destroy what we have. Coming out to your partner must be one of the hardest things to do.
    It’s the reason I feels so stuck. I thought I would be able to cope indefinitely by just ignoring it and was doing OK for a long time.

    Like

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