I’ve never accepted my birth gender. From my first memories at four years old to right now.

Early on my requests to dress as a girl and play with girl’s toys were angrily rejected by my parents leaving me bewildered.

I stopped believing in a benevolent god when I was very young because my desperate nightly prayers were ignored.

I discovered birthday cake wishes never come true and never had the courage to ask Santa what I really wanted for Christmas.

The one thing I could control was my personal identity. They could call me boy, they could make me look like a boy, but couldn’t make me join in. I knew I could resist joining male groups or supporting male causes.

In the absence of any other control even now I will resist the pressure to join the boy’s team.

I never use restrooms unless I am desperate and men’s locker rooms disgust me. Change before and shower at home is my motto.

When a social group fragments by gender I excuse myself.

This is how I rail against my dysphoria. Quiet, under the radar, discreet.

Written by Beth

Behind a calm and friendly exterior I try every day to deal with a gender dysphoria I have had since I was four years old. I have never really known how to deal with it so kept it to myself for a long time. Recently I have been seeing a gender therapist who has helped a lot. This blog helps me express myself to the world. I realise very few will read it but I hope if you do it has some value and interest to you. Always happy to talk, help and make new friends. If there are any topics you want me to write about please let me know.

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