My gender identity starts with me. I am reminded of it anew every day as I wake in the morning. It’s an intimate personal relationship with myself. It’s a difficult relationship, one I have never come to terms with.

The person I see in the mirror and the physical body I inhabit are never easy to deal with. Mirrors are usually best avoided.

This first conflict, is the primary conflict I want to be resolved. I want my physical gender and how I feel inside to match.

The second conflict concerns how I present myself to the world. I want to remain an unremarkable anonymous person inhabiting the world. I would like to be perceived by others to be female.

But for me, at least, and I’m sure many others what I want and what is possible aren’t the same. I look like a man.

If I wore a dress I wouldn’t look like the way I would want to and I could never do that because I would find it too upsetting.

Also, I would never want to present this, what for me would be an, incongruous image to the world.

I am not one of the many amazing brave  and strong trans women who have faced the same dilemma and not let it stop them. They have helped trans rights and issues to the forefront.

As the pathetic, weak, self absorbed and self conscious coward that I am I choose denial and misery.

But I would love to live in a world that allowed me to physically become the gender I feel I am inside without me having to go through some bizarre ritual humiliation as a test to prove myself.

To become the right version of myself.

Written by Beth

Behind a calm and friendly exterior I try every day to deal with a gender dysphoria I have had since I was four years old. I have never really known how to deal with it so have kept it to myself but have started a talking therapy and a blog to see if that helps.

2 comments

  1. We are not all that far off from each other. I have similar internal and external conflicts. Being congruent-where my outward appearance (clothing) matches my physical appearance which matches my internal nature-is incredibly important to me. It often stops be, but not always. The hormones help, or at least I think they will. I have only recently began, so nothing looks different about me. I still look like a man in a dress (my face gives it away). We are all in different stages and we all navigate through these waters in different ways. You of course, are NO LESS transgender than I am. I get your fears. I do. I hope you can overcome them. Sometimes I just go out and say ‘screw it, this is who I am’. If that is what you want…then I encourage you to do it. To take action. Scary. Yeah. Difficult, Yeah. Worth it? Totally.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You know how i feel about your writing. You are able to express the feelings of my heart in your writing. With this post you express it soo well that it brought me to tears while reading it. There are soo many of us that feel like you do, i feel like we are sisters.

    Liked by 1 person

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