My gender identity starts with me. I am reminded of it anew every day as I wake in the morning. It’s an intimate personal relationship with myself. It’s a difficult relationship, one I have never come to terms with.
The person I see in the mirror and the physical body I inhabit are never easy to deal with. Mirrors are usually best avoided.
This first conflict, is the primary conflict I want to be resolved. I want my physical gender and how I feel inside to match.
The second conflict concerns how I present myself to the world. I want to remain an unremarkable anonymous person inhabiting the world. I would like to be perceived by others to be female.
But for me, at least, and I’m sure many others what I want and what is possible aren’t the same. I look like a man.
If I wore a dress I wouldn’t look like the way I would want to and I could never do that because I would find it too upsetting.
Also, I would never want to present this, what for me would be an, incongruous image to the world.
I am not one of the many amazing brave and strong trans women who have faced the same dilemma and not let it stop them. They have helped trans rights and issues to the forefront.
As the pathetic, weak, self absorbed and self conscious coward that I am I choose denial and misery.
But I would love to live in a world that allowed me to physically become the gender I feel I am inside without me having to go through some bizarre ritual humiliation as a test to prove myself.
To become the right version of myself.