I love my family. My wife has been my friend and my soulmate for 20 years. My son is beautiful, loving, and caring.

They also love me. I know they do.

With their amazing love they have earned their immunity from knowing my truth.

The things they know to be true form the foundation of their lives.

I know, for sure, my wife could never help me go through transition and then accept me as her wife and I can understand that entirely.

I want to be there for them, in the ways they need me to be.

If one day they grow to feel different about me and no longer want or need me in their lives then I will leave with sadness but with dignity.

The last year has been very special for me. Many, different, amazing people have helped me to understand my past. To make sense of who I have always been and who I am now. That terrified, confused and bewildered four, six, eight year old who thought she was uniquely afflicted and hopelessly alone has finally joined up all the dots. It’s clear to me now and it has never been anything other than a marasse of confusion, denial and self hatred.

I would so love to begin transition though. I so long to be free of this cage. I would love to spend even just one day in the light. The bearable lightness of just being me.

I wish I could do it for that small child I used to be. For every birthday wish, bedtime prayer and wishing well wish she made.

I started this post with the intention of illustrating how far I have come in the last year. But I’ve just realised, from that last paragraph, that I am still just making wishes. I think that shows how difficult the choices we face are and how strong people need to be to overcome the challenges we face.

It’s so important to ask for help as early as possible. To seek to understand yourself and if appropriate begin transition as early and as young as you can manage. The later you leave it only makes your choices more difficult.

You will always have my love and support.

Written by Beth

Behind a calm and friendly exterior I try every day to deal with a gender dysphoria I have had since I was four years old. I have never really known how to deal with it so kept it to myself for a long time. Recently I have been seeing a gender therapist who has helped a lot. This blog helps me express myself to the world. I realise very few will read it but I hope if you do it has some value and interest to you. Always happy to talk, help and make new friends. If there are any topics you want me to write about please let me know.

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