I know my wife isn’t in our marriage to support me in my life choices or to help me live an authentic life.
She has always sought a place of safety. A place of financial, physical and emotional stability for herself and our child. She wants to know I will support her and protect her. She needs me to be a good provider. She wants me to listen to her stories of anxiety both personal and professional and be supportive. She wants me to validate her decisions and life choices.. What’s wrong with that?
She needs me to be a man.
The one thing I know, beyond any shadow of doubt is that I could never share with her how I really feel about my gender identity and the path I would like that to take. There would be no point because I love her and don’t want to lose her.
I understand what I am to her, I know where I stand. I am an assumed state of being with a defined set of roles, responsibilities and expectations. Her love for me is somehow linked to my role and status. Sadly, I don’t think it’s a love for my soul or of who I am. It’s fragile.
She would not see me “coming out” as an opportunity to show support and compassion for the person she loved. I know she would view it as a betrayal, a disaster and most likely the end of our relationship. She wouldn’t tell me it was over until she had an exit plan worked out. But exit she would.
I can’t bear being this person any longer but equally can’t bear the thought of being responsible for destroying their world which is how it would be perceived.
I didn’t tell her about me right at the beginning of our relationship. That was the lie, the betrayal. I am responsible for that and I don’t claim innocence. I just wanted a normal life. I thought I could live a normal life with her.
The truth is I should have been honest with her and allowed her to make her own decision about whether our relationship should have continued. I made her choice for her. That was my mistake, my deception and the price I and we now pay.
For now they seem happy. I try every day to make them happy. I hate myself for where we are.