I know my wife isn’t in our marriage to support me in my life choices or to help me live an authentic life.
She has always sought a place of safety. A place of financial, physical and emotional stability for herself and our child. She wants to know I will support her and protect her. She needs me to be a good provider and a father. She wants me to listen to her stories of anxiety both personal and professional and be supportive. She wants me to validate her decisions and life choices and be there for her.
She needs me to be a man.
I knew all of this at the start and there is nothing wrong with her or any other woman having these wants and needs?
The one thing I know, beyond any shadow of doubt is that I could never share with her how I really feel about my gender identity and the path I would like that to take. There would be no point because I love her and don’t want to lose her or devastate her life.
I understand what I am to her, I know where I stand. I am an assumed state of being with a defined set of roles, responsibilities and expectations. Her love for me is somehow linked to my role and status. Sadly, in my case, I don’t think it’s a love for my soul or of who I am. It’s fragile and precarious.
I continued our relationship even when knowing the limits of her love for me.
She would not see my “coming out” as an opportunity to show support and compassion for the person she loved. I know she would view it as a betrayal, a disaster and most likely the end of our relationship. She wouldn’t tell me it was over until she had an exit plan worked out and a new life to go to. But exit she would.
I can’t bear being this person any longer but equally can’t bear the thought of being responsible for destroying their world which is how it would be perceived by everyone.
I didn’t tell her about me right at the beginning of our relationship. That was the lie, the betrayal. I am responsible for that and I don’t claim innocence. I just wanted a normal life. I thought I could live a normal life with her.
But dysphoria doesn’t go away and you can’t hide who you ate from yourself.
The truth is I should have been honest with her and allowed her to make her own decision about whether our relationship should have continued or even started. I made her choice for her. That was my mistake, my deception and the price we all now pay.
For now they seem happy. I try every day to make them happy. I hate myself for where we are.
The idea that I come out to her with the hope that she accepts me transitioning to a woman and then us commence a lesbian relationship is absurd in our case.