A friend online recently suggested I should write a “coming out” letter to my wife even if I had no intention of sending it to her. They thought it would help.
After pondering the idea and thinking about what I might say in the letter I decided to do it.
After much agonising over the words and many, many revisions I finished it and actually posted it as a private post to this blog.
In the end it looks like every other coming out letter you have ever seen on reddit. It’s my version of what I hope is true. It’s probably horribly manipulative and unfair.
I did apologise though. I apologised for not giving her the opportunity to walk away at the beginning. I hate myself for that. I hate myself …
Writing the letter has made me feel rather unsettled. It makes me feel there could be a chance that I could come out to her successfully and then even start my transition with her blessing. I daren’t even think those thoughts.
As wondeful as that would be it’s very much plan B. Plan A is unfortunately still, hide in the closet until death.
I hate plan A.
Could I really come out though? The virtue signaller in me says that I can’t come out to her because that would destroy her and my son’s happy life and bring embarassment and shame upon them and I must protect them. The realist in me says that I can’t come out because I am a coward and probably am not even sure I am even transgender enough to transition anyway. So there’s that …
You cannot allow yourself to end up like me. The later you leave it to transition the harder it gets. Gender dysphoria doesn’t lessen with age, it gets worse for many people. Don’t start a new relationship without telling the person the truth about you first because you can end up becoming trapped in limbo.
Believe in yourself and who you are inside and believe that your dream is possible. Most importantly, do as I say not as I do 🙂