At times I feel like giving up on therapy. I feel like I am sometimes just talking in circles.
“Yep, still dysphoric, nothing I can do about it”.
In our last session my therapist asked me what it was I really wanted deep down.
The truth is the same as it was when I first discovered that article in my Mum’s magazine about gender confirmation surgery. A transgender woman went through transition and had her surgery. She seemed to me to be a happy and beautiful woman who now enjoyed her life. I was ecstatic when I read it because it meant my dream was possible outside of magic or act of god. I remember how hopeful, sensitive and kind the article was.
The problem was that daring to hope I could also fully transition was what led me to my feeble suicide attempt when my hopes were dashed.
So saying the words out loud, admitting it has always been what I’ve wanted was actually quite hard to do.
I did say the words.
Funny thing is it has made me feel a bit more relaxed about things. I obviously needed to get it out there.
I think I need to forgive myself. I didn’t ask to have gender dysphoria. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember and have been trying to deal with it as best I can.
I also know that I need to fully transition and live the rest of my life as the woman I have always been inside.
As I walked away from my first therapy session I felt very strange. It was liberating to tell someone out loud who I really am and how it feels every day to pretend to be someone else.
My whole life I have had to present this “expected person” to the world. He’s my greatest creation. But it’s exhausting playing him every day. I’m so sick of it.
I just dream about one day not having to be “him” and just be me. I don’t know if that is possible anymore but as long as I am alive I know there is hope.
It’s only when I say it all out loud, articulate the words to another person, that I begin understand it. It unravels and I begin to see how it has affected my life and how painful it always feels.
Well I started therapy. My therapist is really nice. She describes herself as gender fluid. That made me feel more comfortable to begin with. When I was searching for therapists so many of them seemed so unlike me. I wondered how they could begin to understand me.
My therapist, let’s call her Jen, as I suspected, just gets it and has no judgement or superior position. That’s probably the position of most therapists. Let’s hope so.
So what’s the story..
The truth is similar to all those other transgender stories you may have read before.
My truth is that from the age of at least four I’ve felt I should be female. That feeling has never left me and has badly affected my whole life.
One of the core fundamentals of our existence is our gender. If that feels wrong then nothing else ever fits properly into your life.
The worst thing though is that I’ve never done anything about it. My one brilliant strategy to cope has been “focus on something else, don’t think about it”. That’s really hard to do.
Talking with Jen
Talking to Jen was great. It felt good to tell someone who wasn’t affected by the truth. My truth just hurts people I love. She listened as all good therapists do and I guess she had heard similar experiences before. But it still meant a lot to say the words aloud.