Tag Archives: gender confirmation surgery

The right version of me

My gender identity starts with me. I am reminded of it anew every day as I wake in the morning. It’s an intimate personal relationship with myself. It’s a difficult relationship, one I have never come to terms with.

The person I see in the mirror and the physical body I inhabit are never easy to deal with. Mirrors are usually best avoided.

This first conflict, is the primary conflict I want to be resolved. I want my physical gender and how I feel inside to match.

The second conflict concerns how I present myself to the world. I want to remain an unremarkable anonymous person inhabiting the world. I would like to be perceived by others to be female.

But for me, at least, and I’m sure many others what I want and what is possible aren’t the same. I look like a man.

If I wore a dress I wouldn’t look the way I would want to and I could never do that because I would find it too upsetting.

Also, I would never want to present this, what for me would be an, incongruous image to the world.

I am not one of the many amazing brave  and strong trans women who have faced the same dilemma and not let it stop them. They have helped trans rights and issues to the forefront.

As the pathetic, weak, self absorbed and self conscious coward that I am I choose denial and misery.

But I would love to live in a world that allowed me to physically become the gender I feel I am inside without me having to go through some bizarre ritual humiliation as a test to prove myself.

To become the right version of myself.

Giving up on Therapy

At times I feel like giving up on therapy. I feel like I am sometimes just talking in circles.

“Yep, still dysphoric, nothing I can do about it”.
In our last session my therapist asked me what it was I really wanted deep down.

The truth is the same as it was when I first discovered that article in my Mum’s magazine about gender confirmation surgery. A transgender woman went through transition and had her surgery. She seemed to me to be a happy and beautiful woman who now enjoyed her life. I was ecstatic when I read it because it meant my dream was possible outside of magic or act of god. I remember how hopeful, sensitive and kind the article was.

The problem was that daring to hope I could also fully transition was what led me to my feeble suicide attempt when my hopes were dashed.

So saying the words out loud, admitting it has always been what I’ve wanted was actually quite hard to do.

I did say the words.

Funny thing is it has made me feel a bit more relaxed about things. I obviously needed to get it out there.

I think I need to forgive myself. I didn’t ask to have gender dysphoria. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember and have been trying to deal with it as best I can.

I also know that I need to fully transition and live the rest of my life as the woman I have always been inside.