Hi. My name is Beth and I am a transgender woman. I didn’t choose to be transgender, I was born this way. I have lived my life so far pretending to be someone I’m not. I have always tried to be a good person but have never once felt comfortable as the man I appeared to be. My life has at times been very difficult to cope with and I have wanted it to end on a number of occasions.
With the help of my therapist and many amazing trans men and women online I now accept and am proud of who I am and I no longer hate myself for being transgender.
I long to free myself of my male life. I need to become the person I am inside. I need to begin my transition.
But where to start … ?
I’m really sorry if this offends anyone but I don’t want to be transgender. Maybe me saying that means I’m not?
I don’t have the courage or the steely determination that I can see the brave transgender men and women exhibit in countless YouTube videos and blogs. That probably means I don’t want it enough.
I hate feeling the way I do. I’ve had it since I was four years old. Enough!
I want it to go away. I want it to leave me alone. I want it to stop ruining my life.
Does Prozac work, what about other antidepressants? Any other drugs? Has anyone tried some alternatives? I just want to make it stop so I can go on being who I need to be for the people who need me. They have earned their immunity from dealing with this.
How can it be there is only one solution to this. What about the weak, feeble scared people like me.
To all the brave amazing transgender men and women who are or have transitioned you amaze me and inspire me but I don’t have your courage and I mean you no disrespect.
Well I started therapy. My therapist is really nice. She describes herself as gender fluid. That made me feel more comfortable to begin with. When I was searching for therapists so many of them seemed so unlike me. I wondered how they could begin to understand me.
My therapist, let’s call her Jen, as I suspected, just gets it and has no judgement or superior position. That’s probably the position of most therapists. Let’s hope so.
So what’s the story..
The truth is similar to all those other transgender stories you may have read before.
My truth is that from the age of at least four I’ve felt I should be female. That feeling has never left me and has badly affected my whole life.
One of the core fundamentals of our existence is our gender. If that feels wrong then nothing else ever fits properly into your life.
The worst thing though is that I’ve never done anything about it. My one brilliant strategy to cope has been “focus on something else, don’t think about it”. That’s really hard to do.
Talking with Jen
Talking to Jen was great. It felt good to tell someone who wasn’t affected by the truth. My truth just hurts people I love. She listened as all good therapists do and I guess she had heard similar experiences before. But it still meant a lot to say the words aloud.