Tag Archives: transphobia

You don't have to hate me

You don’t have to hate me. Because I am not trying to stand on any ground you claim as yours.

You don’t have to hate me because I have always been taught to hate myself. I can take it from here. Ever since I was four I felt I was somehow wrong and when I expressed that in words that made sense to me I was punished.

As I got older my body and my mind didn’t fit with each other. I didn’t know why. I wanted them to, I prayed to God and asked God to change my body. I wished on every star and birthday cake too.

I asked my parents for help but was ridiculed and endured a punishment and re-education programs. I learned to shut up and conform. I knew I was a freak. I was sure I should hate myself. I didn’t know why this was happening to me and I felt so confused and scared. I hoped it would go away when I got bigger so that I could be like how everyone else seemed to be. Accepting of their own skin. How I longed to have that.

I learned to be what I needed to be. To say the right things, to behave the right way. But it never did go away and puberty started changing my body, making it even more wrong, ever more disgusting. My desperation grew and my desire to go on living ebbed away. At nineteen I tried to end it. Alone and gently weeping in a student dorm room I wrote my farewells to my family and swallowed pills.

I woke to the reality that I hadn’t died and spent the next day waiting to see what happened next. I read the letters I had left and realised the devastation my death would bring. I didn’t want to die anymore. I chose to try to build a life that put my feelings to one side if that was possible. I chose life.

Over time it slowly became easier for transgender people to come out and transition. I regularly re-assessed my position but always felt that it was not possible for me. I knew my family would never be accepting. I knew society was still basically intolerant and I knew as I got older my chances of transitioning succesfully diminished.

That’s why I am no threat to you. That’s why you don’t need to hate me. I will live out the rest of my life and never attempt to encroach onto your territory. Your restrooms and changing rooms are safe from me, I have no interest in them. I have no interest in them because I am not a sexual deviant or a sexual abuser.

Every space you believe is sacred is safe from me. Just like the stigmatised and abused gay men of the 50s,60, 70s and 80s who were accused of being child molestors and paedophiles I am not a sexual predator and neither are the vast overwhelming majority of my transgender bothers and sisters.

We are a marginalised and vulnerable minority. We are the targets of violence and intimidation not the perpetrators. We ask to be given rights to protect us from those who hate. We ask that those rights are not taken away just because a criminal element have sought to exploit our status for their own advantage.

A society is judged by the compassion it shows to its minority communities. Compassion is all we seek.

Invalidating stories of de-transition

I’ve read a number of articles about de-transition recently. My heart goes out to every person who has gone through this experience. It must have been an especially shattering and difficult experience. Your voice is important and I value it and respect it enormously.

Every transgender experience is different, difficult and uncertain. None of us can know how we will feel at the end of our transition or lived experience. We can only follow what our hearts and souls tell us is right. Sometimes we misread or even mislead ourselves.

We should always consider all outcomes when deciding on our own transition. That’s why the voices of people who have de-transitioned are so valuable.

But to use the example of transgender people who have decided to de-transition as an invalidation of all transgender transition is simply absurd. We could use the same argument to invalidate marriage.

As is always the case in almost anything, there will be a wide distribution of experiences felt by trans people going through transition. Ranging from very happy with transition right through to very unhappy.

The very unhappy people will most likely de-transition. But that doesn’t mean they determine the efficacy of transition for everyone else.

In my view, transition in whatever form works for you, does seem to be an effective way for many transgender people to find some peace and begin to live their lives.

People who detransition aren’t our enemies but equally they don’t speak for us or predict our outcomes.

We are beautiful unique individuals striving to find happiness. We are not all the same.

Not asking much

I often wonder why some feel so threatened by transgender people. They seem to set themselves up as biological purists, as chromosomal absolutists. Unless your DNA, biochemistry and lived experience matches their standards then you don’t qualify for their classification. You will never belong and that’s final.

We all present an image to the world and that image to some extent affects the way society perceives us, treats us and reacts to our presence.

Present a masculine image and people will give you space and will be more cautious in their approach and interaction. A feminine image will usually appear as more approachable and less threatening.

Your phenotype, which is the visible form you actually present, is not necessarily the same as your genotype which is the form your genetics encodes you to present.

If we choose to suppress the Y chromosome or artificially express it we alter the image we present to the world. And we do it so that we can interact with the world and be at peace with ourselves.

Your biological sex doesn’t necessarily determine which image you present. You decide that.

At no point do the face to face interactions we have with others involve a chromosomal or biochemical test of our biological gender. And so what we present and perceive is all that matters.

As transgender people we feel uncomfortable presenting our raw genotype and in common with many other species in nature we present a different shell.

Some transgender people are able to present a phenotype entirely indistinguishable from their desired genotype. Genetic males present as beautiful women and genetic females as handsome men.

If your goal is to create an exclusionary environment/space then you will have to police it on phenotype alone. That’s because you won’t have access to genetic testing which means you can never truly guarantee the integrity of your exclusionary space.

Transphobics and TERFS can therefore never hope to achieve their stated aims. Unless those they seek to exclude don’t pass easily or convincingly. They will be their targets, their prey.

Transphobics and TERFS only seek to exclude. Their motives are based purely on hate, bigotry and prejudice.

I take comfort in knowing that history will view them as the bigots they are. I am also certain, when the time comes, they will deny ever promoting their vile prejudice.